Adults with Autism – Don't Let Social Deficits Leave You Lonely and Isolated

The problems adults with autism have in regard to socialization and friendship have been covered extensively in the media and most material on autism and Asperger’s syndrome, a form of high functioning autism. We will review it here for anyone new to the topic.

Social deficits are a major problem for adults with autism and Asperger’s syndrome. Adults with autism or Asperger’s syndrome are often very bright, but lack social savvy. They miss social cues. They don’t understand nonverbal language. They take everything very literally. They are tied to routine and exactness.

Sometimes they talk in a rather pedantic style. You can usually tell an Aspie—an affectionate term for those with Asperger’s syndrome—as they are the ones that will be standing to the side, looking a little out of place, talking about details that no one else thought of, worrying about things that no one else thought to worry about, and coming up with facts and knowledge about the situation that no one else knew. Aspie adults kind of march to the beat of their own drum. And, quite often, they have a very hard time matching and recognizing the beat of someone else’s drum.

There is a famous joke about how to identify an Aspie that I will share with you.

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he’s lost. He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy “Can you tell me where I am and where I’m headed?”

“Sure. You’re at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144 degrees 4 minutes and 19 seconds East; you’re at an altitude of 762 meters above sea level, and right now you’re hovering, but you were on a vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second.”

“Amazing! Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger’s syndrome?”

“I do! How did you know that?”

“Because everything you said is true, it’s much more detail than I need, and you told me in a way that’s no use to me at all.”

“Huh. Are you a clinical psychologist?”

“I am, but how the heck did you know that???!!??”

“You don’t know where you are. You don’t know where you’re going. You got where you are by blowing hot air. You put labels on people after asking a few questions, and you’re in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

When this joke was told to a group of people with Asperger’s they first laughed and said it was very accurate. Then, two people tried to look up the exact coordinates of the place given in the joke to see where it was located. That is just another example of the detail oriented, fact loving nature of many people with Asperger’s.

You Have the Facts but Can You Communicate them Effectively?

All digs against clinical psychologists aside, the joke has a point. The Aspie will always be the one who gives far more detail than is needed, knows all kinds of facts, but can’t seem to present them in a way that seems coherent at all.

Aspies tend to have very strong and narrow interests. Adults with AS also fall into this pattern. They are very into trains, or a particular baseball team, or World War II history, or music—it could be anything. They may try to talk to their co-workers or potential friends excessively about these things. They may not look at their co-workers or friends in the eye; they may appear to be quite anxious.

Anxiety is an unfortunate turn-off for many people. When so-called “typical people” interact with someone with AS, the anxiety and nervousness that so many with Asperger's have often makes the typical person uncomfortable. Often, the person with AS has no idea what signals they are sending.

Clinical Definition of Asperger's Syndrome

The DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), which is the handbook for all psychological disorders, has this to say about social communication impairment in their official criteria of Asperger’s syndrome [note: In the DSM-V (due to be released around 2012-2013) Asperger’s Syndrome will no longer exist as a diagnosis. The condition will be merged into "Autism Spectrum Disorder."]:

Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

1. marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
3. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
4. lack of social or emotional reciprocity.

Basically, it means problems using all of the many social skills that come naturally to most people in order to engage in and maintain conversations and relationships with other people.

Social Challenges for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome

Here are some other social gaffes and deficits that might get adults with Asperger's syndrome into trouble socially:

1. Not realizing when someone is trying to change the subject, or end the conversation, when talking to them.
    
2. Not remembering to ask questions about how the other person is doing and to take an interest in them.
    
3. Lack of eye contact, awkward body postures, fidgeting, inappropriate facial expressions, lack of knowledge of how to use nonverbal communication.
    
4. Not seeming to understand or be sensitive to others’ feelings, or at least not showing this understanding in a recognizable way.
    
5. Not being able to “read” other people well, and having trouble understanding or using humor.
    
6. Tone of voice: either speaking in a monotone, or not being able to modify your tone of voice to fit the situation.
    
7. Sensory issues: may have trouble paying attention and focusing on communication due to loud noises in the environment, too much visual chaos, the feel of touching something uncomfortable (such as wearing uncomfortable clothes), unpleasant smells, etc. Easily distracted.
    
8. Conversation often sounds stilted and unnatural. Since most Aspies need to almost “go off a script” to figure out what to say in any given social situation, it is going to sound somewhat rehearsed and unnatural, because it is. Aspies are at a great disadvantage because no matter how much you practice, and try to learn what to say and how to say it, it’s hard to make it sound natural—you are speaking a foreign language, after all. This will often turn off others who feel uncomfortable with the forcedness of it. People seem to sometimes instinctively turn away if it seems like you’re “trying too hard.” Non-Aspies want to engage in easy, seamless conversation; they want to let off steam and shoot the breeze; they don’t want to have to put much effort into what they’re doing (not all typical people, of course, but this fits many), and when they encounter someone who seems to “not fit in” to their conversational model, it makes them want to seek easier conversations. They might engage you for a few minutes and try to be nice but there is usually a limit to how long they will accommodate someone else’s conversational difficulties.
    
9. Problems maintaining a friendship—many Aspies do not realize that once you make a friend, you have to do things to maintain the friendship. You have to initiate phone calls, schedule outings, inquire as to the other's well-being, and so on. You can’t just drop off the face of the earth and show up when you feel like it.

Sounds daunting, huh? With all of these difficulties, it’s amazing that adults or anyone with Asperger’s even attempt any conversations at all. Communicating can be like speaking a different language for people with autism. But have no fear. You can get help and skills development at any age.

Advice for Adults with Autism

It is never too late to get training from a qualified therapist.  Most adults with autism have challenges in two primary areas:

1. Communications problems. The inability to understand nuance, sarcasm, read facial expressions and body language…which all can lead one to have difficulty reading people and understand what others are thinking.
    
2. Poor social skills. The inability to connect with others, to have meaningful and fulfilling relationships, the awkwardness one shows around others, the avoidance of social situations and the discomfort of being in large crowds. All of this can make it extremely challenging to date, to get and keep a job and to relate well with others in a meaningful way.

Regardless of these challenges, adults can get help from therapists and social skills teachers who specialize in adults with autism. And if the skill level of the adult with autism is low, there are still training and help to ensure everyone has friends.

A great source of help for adults is the Autism Survival Guide.

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